A Personal Example of the Evil Power of Influence
As I said elsewhere, my sole duty and obligation will be to all of the residents of the 20th District. I will never compromise on that. However, I did have to have to bow to one persistent influence peddler and make a “deal” in order to run. My wife was very much against it initially, and to win her over I had to agree to: (1) Keep my beard. She loves it. I hate it. She wins. I used to to grow it only for the holidays through her birthday in February, but now she gets it all year round; (2) Appoint our dog Pokey as the official 20th District Dog. I have promised to put a framed picture of our beloved mutt in my office and on the 20th District website promptly if elected proclaiming him as 20th District Dog. Please be assured that this is only honorary and I will not waste any legislative time or resources on an official proclamation. If you should think this shows a lack of conviction or ability to negotiate, I want to assure you that her initial demands were considerably higher.
I was born in Pikeville, Kentucky in early 2007. I was one of four pups playing outside in a barn when a do-gooder no-kill shelter from Chicago “rescued” me and drove the four of us plus my Mom up to the Big City. It should be noted that I am much better looking than my siblings, who all look completely different than me (much shorter with no “fluff”) . It appears that my dog Mom was fooling around with more than one hound dog at the time. Upon arrival I was almost immediately adopted by the Goldberg family, and I now consider them to be my real family. Life is pretty, pretty, good.
I dropped out of obedience school after one class. I had no interest in their insistence on conformity, or their bland and dry reward treats, and could see no benefit in continuing. I had my parents completely trained before I turned one.
Please…! I do not work. I get by on good looks and charm. In fact, the one time someone stole some of our furniture from the patio I was home and was no help at all. While I will raise heck at the postman, I slept right through that one. I do pride myself in helping the family bottom line in one way: my parents rarely go out due to their fear that I will either tear up the house or have a heart attack, and this saves us all a lot of money.
I pride myself on being afraid of almost everything. Rain. I know that can lead to thunder or lightening. A loud noise. That could be a firecracker or other deadly munition. Newspapers. I once saw my Poppy swat a fly with one, so now I shake if he even reads one. Firetrucks. That one is obvious. Staplers. Chewing Gum. Even I can’t explain that one. When very afraid, the Prozac and/or thundershirt are no help. I need loud music and an escort to the safe closet. I am sort of high maintenance. I tolerate the occasional bath and am proud that I have never once been to the groomer.
Walks. Nothing better than a leisurely check of my pea-mail. Cuddling with my Mom or my Best Buddy (Emma).
I would rather starve than eat dry dog food. I prefer it with a nice broth and some canned chicken or beef in the mix. I am very shy about eating my food. I always wait at least 15 minutes before eating and then try to sneak in the closet without anyone noticing.
My Commitment as Your 20th District Dog
I promise to continue to act like a dog. Nothing more, nothing less. I would really prefer that you do not vote for my Poppy as this could result in him spending more time away from my house.